{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
an airline just for babies.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.