i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
You Might Also Like
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
asking santa clause for nudes
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?