[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My daily affirmation
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I hope it’s French Onion!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.