Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote