Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I wanna be friends with this person
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.