I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Anime is real
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I feel this so hard
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Ah yes. The three genders