Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
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Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.