Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.