I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Coffee is ready.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.