Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years