The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
how much for the angry fruit?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Stop.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”