Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Unimpressed
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
groan^2
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%