[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I was bored.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.