Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I can’t deal with men any longer
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good