Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
You Might Also Like
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Damn what did I do next
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
same vibe as tangled headphones
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
bias laundering edition
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?