Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.