Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
did it work
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.