Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?