[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Meow
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Cake!!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.