“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again