the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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DOOO EEEET
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Put this video in the Louvre
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Lmao 🤣
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy