Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.