In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
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[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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