Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Just how popey was the pope today?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.