*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I don’t know what to do
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE