Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]