God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.