If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
adam and eve had first world problems
When someone trying to leave me
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
That lamp looks PISSED.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.