The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
at ease…shoulder.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.