My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.