“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
One of the best
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.