I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
You Might Also Like
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My favorite farside!!
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I wish I were this cool 😂
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Become a minion. Get that bread.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.