please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
You Might Also Like
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Snapes on a plane.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.