Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.