science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My flabber has been gasted.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is