“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Perfect.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest