if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Möther may I have a snäck
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Best spoiler warning ever
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.