Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.