what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
That time Alicia messaged me
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Just a friendly reminder!
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident