I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
FINE, I WON’T.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
fixed it
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.