You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
You Might Also Like
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.