If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
🍞🦆
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.