Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.