If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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the red hot silly peppers
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
He a real one for that
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll