I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
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*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.