today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
love it when they get my name right
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
God has abandoned us.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.