[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this