person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Trumpy Cat
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.