If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Today’s Times
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot