What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???